young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
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87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side