Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
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succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
When I laugh on my period
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.