“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
It do be feeling this way.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble