Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.