Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Challenge accepted.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
oh you wanna fight?!
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.