Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
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9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If you know, you know
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.