Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.


Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …


Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.


Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*


you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.


If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?


Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.


[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.


The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs