@5hael You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
@olivebeerthanks Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
You Might Also Like
@5hael 
@SortaSarcastic Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
@mellimelle You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
@jakob_huber Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
@OnlyFastEddie Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
@Fyrekrakr73 you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
@TheBoydP If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
@Kyle_Lippert Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
@Rollinintheseat [Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
@weinerdog4life The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs