Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
You Might Also Like
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”