Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
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Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
🍛
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.