can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I think they could have phrased this better
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.