Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
peak technology
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[at the general store]
me: one general please
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.