7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
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Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
next level snooze
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?