[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Happens to everyone.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
(yawn)
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.