Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
ibopfufen
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.