[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
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dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks