Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
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It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”