Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.