Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
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Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
no regrets
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.