I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
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Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls