This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
You Might Also Like
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
When you let grandma cat sit
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.