Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks