My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there