@yoyoha

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

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@Gilmatic

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

@NINETIESRNB

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

@TheRolo

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

@JohnLyonTweets

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

@Cpin42

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

@nPhelendriqal

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

@ElKnuckelhombre

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.