Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
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When I snag the last meatball.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.