Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
You Might Also Like
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.