When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
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Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely