Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
handsome & gretel
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
i’m sure it’s fine
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”