handsome & gretel
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.