Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Only Americans understand
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?