Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.