I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
They’re not wrong