When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
You Might Also Like
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Okay me first
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work