[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
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My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first