Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
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*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.