@MoiraInMpls I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
@thepaulasuzanne Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
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@MoiraInMpls 
@BlankExpressio1 Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
@Tbone7219 If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
@SamGirlSunday I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
@mrsjohngoodman One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
@wolfpupy bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
@RexHuppke Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
@BrogaPants “Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
@polyhumorous I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
@cherryzigzags My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks