@thepaulasuzanne

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

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@MoiraInMpls

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

@Tbone7219

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

@SamGirlSunday

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

@mrsjohngoodman

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

@wolfpupy

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@BrogaPants

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

@polyhumorous

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

@cherryzigzags

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks