Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

and now we wait

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.