Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.


If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership


I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.


One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.


bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong


Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword


“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”


I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.


My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks