Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Bringing home a sharpie
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I think we should hear other voices.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.