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as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]