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Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
he’s doing your taxes
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad