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“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend