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Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:![]()
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.![]()
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm