The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
You Might Also Like
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”