*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Left at a local drug store…
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.