Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
#polloftheday
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn