#polloftheday
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ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.