I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
You Might Also Like
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?