[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
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REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something