my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
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Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.