my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.