No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
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Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer