“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
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DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.