Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Sticker placement is key.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot