Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
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[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.