10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.