Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

no refunds

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good