{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
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me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!