Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
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boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.