Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Note to self: always read the final line
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Lunchablesâ„¢? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.