I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face