[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]